The PACE Approach: Transforming Relationships with Foster Children

The PACE Approach: Transforming Relationships with Foster Children

When traditional parenting methods don't work with your foster child, it can leave you feeling frustrated and helpless. The PACE approach (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy) offers a different way forward. Developed by psychologist Dan Hughes, this technique shifts how we understand and respond to children who have experienced trauma. The approach helps build secure attachments and heal relationships, even when children have experienced significant hurt and loss.

By embodying the four qualities of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy, foster carers can create the safety and connection that children need to heal and thrive.

Understanding The PACE Approach

PACE represents both an attitude and a set of practices that reflect how secure and attuned caregivers naturally respond to children. For foster children who may have missed early experiences of safety, PACE helps recreate these foundational experiences of being truly seen, understood, and accepted.

The approach recognises that behaviour is communication. When a child acts out, withdraws, or seems defiant, PACE helps us look beyond the surface behaviour to understand what the child is really trying to tell us about their inner world.

Dr. Dan Hughes developed PACE after years of working with adoptive and foster families, recognising that children who had experienced early trauma needed something different from traditional behavioural approaches. The method has since been embraced by therapists, social workers, and foster carers worldwide as an effective way to support healing and build resilience.

Playfulness: Creating Safety Through Joy

Playfulness in PACE isn't about being silly or dismissive of serious situations. Instead, it's about bringing lightness, warmth, and joy into interactions, especially during tense moments. For children who have lived with chronic stress or fear, being around an adult who can remain light-hearted helps them feel safe and regulated.

What playfulness looks like in practice:

During conflicts: Instead of stern lectures, you might say with a warm smile, "Oh my! It looks like getting dressed this morning is feeling like climbing Mount Everest. That sounds tough!"

With everyday interactions: Using funny voices, gentle teasing (that the child enjoys), or turning mundane tasks into games. "I wonder if those shoes can hop onto your feet by themselves, or do they need a helping hand?"

When emotions are high: Playfulness can help de-escalate without minimising feelings. "Wow, that angry feeling looks really big today. I bet it feels like a dinosaur stomping around inside you."

Important boundaries with playfulness:

• Always read the child's cues - some children need space before they can engage with playfulness
• Never use playfulness to dismiss or minimise genuine distress
• Match your energy to what the child can handle in that moment
• Some children may initially be suspicious of playful adults, so go slowly and build trust first

Playfulness helps shift the nervous system out of defensive states and into connection. When a child experiences an adult who can find lightness even in difficult moments, they begin to feel that the world might be safer than they thought.

Acceptance: Holding Space for All Feelings

Acceptance in PACE means acknowledging and validating a child's internal experience without necessarily agreeing with their behaviour. It's about separating the child from their actions and communicating that they are fundamentally acceptable, even when their behaviour isn't.

This can be particularly challenging for foster carers when a child's behaviour is triggering, dangerous, or disruptive. However, acceptance doesn't mean permissiveness; you can accept feelings whilst maintaining clear boundaries about behaviour.

Acceptance in action:

When a child is angry: "You’re angry right now, and that makes complete sense. Anger is telling us something important." This validates the emotion whilst leaving space to address behaviour separately.

With challenging behaviour: "I can see that hitting felt like the only option when you were that upset. Your feelings are completely understandable, and we need to find safer ways to show them."

During emotional outbursts: "These big feelings are hard work. Of course you're tired and overwhelmed." Rather than trying to fix or stop the feelings, acceptance allows them to exist and be witnessed.

Practical ways to show acceptance:

• Use phrases like "That makes sense" or "Of course you feel that way"
• Avoid immediately jumping to problem-solving or consequence-giving
• Sit with the child's difficult emotions without trying to change them
• Validate their perspective, even if you see things differently

Common mistakes with acceptance:

• Saying "I understand" when you don't truly understand their experience
• Moving too quickly from acceptance to trying to change behaviour
• Confusing acceptance of feelings with acceptance of all behaviours
• Using acceptance as a technique rather than a genuine attitude

The Anna Freud Centre emphasises how acceptance helps children develop emotional regulation by first feeling truly seen and understood in their dysregulated states.

Curiosity: Becoming a Detective of Inner Worlds

Curiosity involves approaching a child's behaviour and emotions with genuine interest rather than judgment. Instead of assuming you know why a child is acting a certain way, curiosity invites you to wonder alongside them about their inner experience.

This shift from "Why did you do that?" (which often feels accusatory) to "I wonder what was happening for you," creates safety for children to explore their own emotions and motivations.

Curiosity looks like:

Wondering aloud: "I'm wondering if bedtime feels scary sometimes?" or "I notice you seem worried when we talk about school. What do you think might be going on?"

Exploring without judgment: "That's interesting. You seemed fine at breakfast, but something shifted. I wonder what changed for you?"

Inviting reflection: "I'm curious about what that felt like in your body when your friend said that. Did you notice any sensations?"

Practical curiosity strategies:

• Use "I wonder..." statements frequently
• Ask open-ended questions that don't have right or wrong answers
• Show genuine interest in their perspective, even if it differs from yours
• Explore feelings and sensations, not just thoughts
• Be curious about your own reactions, too; model self-reflection

Age-appropriate curiosity:

With younger children: "I wonder if your tummy feels wobbly when we talk about Mummy?" Keep language simple and focus on physical sensations they can identify.

With school-age children: "I'm curious about what goes through your mind when you see other families at school pick-up time. What do you notice?"

With teenagers: "I wonder what it's like for you when people ask about your family situation. I imagine that might bring up different feelings?"

Curiosity helps children develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. When adults show genuine interest in their inner world, children begin to become curious about themselves, too.

Empathy: Feeling With, Not For

Empathy in PACE means truly understanding and resonating with a child's emotional experience. It goes beyond sympathy (feeling sorry for someone) to actually sensing what it might be like to walk in their shoes.

For foster children, experiencing genuine empathy from an adult can be profoundly healing. Many have felt alone with their big feelings, so having someone truly "get it" helps them feel less isolated and more connected.

Empathy in practice:

Reflecting emotional experience: "That sounds absolutely terrifying" or "What a lonely feeling that must be."

Connecting with universal feelings: "I imagine anyone would feel confused in that situation" or "Of course that would feel overwhelming."

Acknowledging their reality: "That sounds like it was really hard for you", or "I can hear how much that matters to you."

Building empathic responses:

• Try to imagine what it would feel like to be in the child's situation
• Pay attention to their body language and emotional cues
• Reflect back what you're sensing rather than what you think they should feel
• Use emotional vocabulary that matches the intensity of their experience

Barriers to empathy:

• Judging the child's reaction as "over the top" or inappropriate
• Comparing their experience to what you think you would feel
• Trying to fix or minimise their emotions
• Focusing on behaviour rather than the feelings underneath

Self-care with empathy: Feeling deeply with children who have experienced trauma can be emotionally draining. It's important to maintain healthy boundaries whilst still being genuinely empathic. This might mean taking breaks, seeking support, or processing your own emotions with other adults.

PACE Examples in Different Situations

During meltdowns: 

• Start with acceptance ("This feels really big")
• Add curiosity ("I wonder what triggered such strong feelings")
• Offer empathy ("That sounds scary")
• When things calm down, gentle playfulness might help reconnection ("Should we see if we can find that calm feeling again?")

At bedtime: 

• Empathy for bedtime fears ("Nighttime can feel scary sometimes")
• Curiosity about what specifically feels difficult ("I wonder what goes through your mind when the lights go off")
• Acceptance of their need for extra support ("Of course you need more comfort right now")
• Playful bedtime rituals that feel safe.

With school difficulties: 

• Curiosity about their school experience ("I wonder what lunchtime feels like for you"), 
• Empathy for social challenges ("It sounds really hard to figure out where you fit in"), 
• Acceptance of their struggles ("Of course learning feels difficult when you're worried about other things")
• Playful celebration of small victories.

During contact visits: 

• Empathy for mixed feelings ("I imagine seeing your birth family brings up lots of different emotions")
• Curiosity about their experience ("I wonder what it's like to have to say goodbye again")
• Acceptance of difficult behaviour afterwards ("Your feelings about contact make complete sense")
• Gentle playfulness to help them settle back in.

Common PACE Challenges and How to Navigate Them

"It feels fake or forced": PACE works best when it comes from a genuine place. If it feels artificial, focus on one element at a time until it becomes more natural. Start with curiosity; most people can authentically wonder about a child's experience.

"The child rejects my efforts": Children who have been hurt by adults may initially be suspicious of warmth and connection. Stay consistent and patient. Sometimes children need to test whether your PACE responses are genuine and will last through difficult times.

"I don't feel playful when they're being difficult": Playfulness doesn't mean being happy about challenging behaviour. It's about bringing lightness to help everyone regulate. Even a gentle "Oh my, this is a tough moment for both of us" can shift the energy.

"Other people think I'm being too soft": PACE isn't about avoiding boundaries or consequences. It's about the attitude you bring to interactions. You can maintain expectations whilst responding with PACE principles.

PACE with Different Ages and Developmental Stages

Early years (3-7 years): Young children respond well to physical playfulness, simple empathic statements, and concrete curiosity about their world. "I wonder if your toys feel sad when you throw them" helps develop empathy whilst addressing behaviour.

School age (8-12 years): These children can engage with more complex emotional vocabulary and benefit from curiosity about their relationships and school experiences. They often enjoy collaborative problem-solving approaches with PACE principles.

Teenagers (13-18 years): Adolescents need PACE delivered with respect for their growing independence. Curiosity about their perspective and empathy for their complex social and identity struggles can strengthen relationships during a typically challenging developmental stage.

Integrating PACE with Boundaries and Structure

PACE doesn't replace the need for clear boundaries and expectations. Instead, it changes how we deliver and maintain those boundaries. When children experience limit-setting through a PACE lens, they're more likely to internalise the values behind the rules rather than simply complying out of fear.

PACE-informed boundaries might sound like:

• "I can see you really want to stay up later (acceptance), and I wonder if you're worried about something that makes bedtime feel hard (curiosity). It makes sense that bedtime feels difficult sometimes (empathy), and we still need to stick to our routine because sleep helps your body and brain feel strong (playful firmness)."

Consequences with PACE:

• Focus on learning and repair rather than punishment
• Maintain connection even when addressing challenging behaviour
• Show empathy for how consequences feel whilst maintaining them
• Use curiosity to help children understand the impact of their choices

Building Your PACE Skills

Start small: Choose one element of PACE to focus on each week. You might spend a week noticing opportunities for curiosity, then the following week practice acceptance.

Practice with easier moments first: Build your PACE muscles during calm interactions before trying to use them during crises.

Self-reflection: Notice your own emotional reactions and how they impact your ability to offer PACE. When you're stressed or triggered, it's harder to be playful, accepting, curious, and empathic.

Seek support: Connect with other foster carers or professionals who understand PACE. Contact your social worker or get in touch with us for more resources and information. 

Be patient with yourself: Learning PACE is a process. There will be times when you react differently than you intended, but that's part of being human. The key is returning to PACE principles and repairing when needed.

The Science Behind PACE

Understanding why PACE works can help you feel more confident using it. When children experience trauma or chronic stress, their nervous systems become hypervigilant for danger. PACE helps signal safety to the child's nervous system, allowing them to move out of defensive states and into connection and learning.

Playfulness activates the social engagement system and helps regulate stress hormones. 

Acceptance reduces shame and allows the child to feel worthy of love. 

Curiosity engages the thinking brain and promotes self-awareness. 

Empathy creates felt safety and reduces isolation.

Research from institutions like the Centre for Mental Health shows that children who experience consistently attuned, responsive relationships can actually develop new neural pathways that support resilience and emotional regulation.

PACE Beyond Crisis Moments

While PACE is incredibly helpful during difficult times, it's equally important during everyday interactions. Using PACE principles during routine activities helps build the foundation of safety and connection that makes challenging moments easier to navigate.

During meals: "I'm curious about what made you choose that combination of foods", or "I can see you're really enjoying that!"

In the car: "I wonder what you're thinking about as we drive", or playful games and songs that build connection.

During homework: "This maths looks tricky. I bet that feels frustrating," combined with curiosity about what specific parts feel difficult.

Moving Forward with PACE

PACE isn't a quick fix, but it's a powerful foundation for building healing relationships with foster children. As you practice these principles, you'll likely notice changes not just in your foster child's responses, but in your own feelings of confidence and connection as a carer.

Remember that every child is unique, and what works for one may need adaptation for another. The key is maintaining the spirit of PACE (approaching children with genuine warmth, acceptance, wonder, and understanding) whilst remaining flexible about how that looks in practice.

For more comprehensive guidance on managing challenging behaviour in foster children, including how PACE fits into a broader toolkit of trauma-informed strategies, visit our complete resource guide.

Ready to learn more about trauma-informed foster care? 

We provide comprehensive training in approaches like PACE to help our carers build strong, healing relationships with the children in their care. 

Get in touch today to discover how we can support you in making a real difference in a child's life.

Considering fostering? 

Our introduction to the fostering process explains how we prepare and support all our carers with evidence-based approaches that help children thrive.